How to Stop “Losing Yourself” in the Relationship

Do you ever have that feeling of “Losing Yourself” in the relationship? 

Like you get so wrapped up in the other person and in your “togetherness” that you forget YOURSELF?

I get asked about this a LOT in my practice. 

So if it does happen to you, you’re definitely not alone. 

“Getting Lost” has happened to me many times in relationships.

In fact, there was one relationship that when it ended, 

I could barely remember who I was any more! 

I got SO wrapped up in our relationship and in HIM

that I had to work hard to re-discover who I am once again

and what I really want. 

And in my current relationship, even though we love each other heaps,

live together and spend lots of time together, I DON’T feel lost at all.

I stay connected to myself, to what I need and love and want 

in my life AND in our relationship

How do I do this? 

Here’s a few Power-Tips that can really help you

to stay connected with yourself WHILE staying connected with your partner: 

1. Understand that when you lose yourself, you lose your partner 

Ultimately, when you “lose yourself” in the relationship, what it means is that you’re not staying true to yourself and therefore, you are not fully true to your partner. You are behaving and speaking in ways that are not expressing the full authentic YOU, thereby denying your partner full access to who you are and therefore making sure that true intimacy between you will be impossible.

Because true intimacy is to allow the other person to SEE THE REAL YOU, while they allow you to SEE THE REAL THEM. Including ALL those parts you believe they won’t like if they see them…

So remember, it is important not to lose yourself, not just for your own sake, but for your partner’s sake as well! 

2. Stay Connected with your Vision. 

One of the most powerful ways I know of staying connected with myself, is through getting VERY clear on my Vision. The vision of what I want in my relationship, AND the vision of what I want in my life in general.

To get clear on your vision, start asking yourself: What is it that I really WANT? 

Often, it is very easy to get caught up in what you DON’T want, that you can forget to get clear on what you DO want. This is a very crucial step in order to be able to actually achieve what you want.

A little exercise I suggest for you: close your eyes and imagine your dream life and your dream relationship. What does it look like? What is happening there? Who are you with? What are you doing? and most importantly: How do you feel? Allow yourself to dream big and feel all those amazing feelings fully. Then open your eyes and write down everything you’ve seen in detail.

Have this piece of paper handy to you to revisit your vision, and do this exercise often – you might find that your vision gets tweaked and more and more accurate as time goes by.

Being in touch with your vision on a regular basis help you to keep the focus on YOU and get clear on what YOU want in your life and relationship. (See here a special way I can support you in this) 

3. Communicate this Pattern to your Partner and Dialogue about it. 

Get honest and brave and have a talk with your partner about this pattern in your life. You can simply state something like: “Look honey, I have a pattern of losing myself in relationships. I think I’ve been doing that in our relationship too by doing X Y and Z, and I don’t want to do that any more. Can I get your support in the process of becoming more aware of this and shifting it?”

It would be good if you have SPECIFIC requests you can make, of what kind of support you would need. For example: “If you see me do X or Y again, can you give me a little nudge an a smile to remind me?” or “Can you ask me what I want to do tonight at least twice a week? That will remind me to express my wishes”.

The more honest and open you are about this, the more you’ll be able to both get your partner on board to support you to shift, and the more connected you will stay with yourself in the moment.

4. Set aside a certain time per-day that is strictly YOU-Time.

This is a new one for me that I’m going to be adhering to quite strictly, especially as a mother of two! 🙂

Decide what is the minimum time per day you need, in order to feel connected with yourself and maintain that connection on an everyday basis. For me, it is a minimum of 30 minutes, preferably 1 hour.

During this daily time with yourself, do whatever you want that makes you feel calm, grounded and connected with yourself: meditate, take a walk, read a book, have a nap, reset your vision, journal, play music, dance, whatever it is that you really really LOVE.

This self-connection time will keep you happier, calmer, less grumpy and more centered when you spend time with your partner and others in your life. It can be your anchor of returning to yourself on a daily basis.

5. Enhance Self-Love 

I could easily write a whole article just on this point…. The main thing to understand in this context is this:

I believe the number 1 reason why we get “lost” in relationships is because we don’t value ourselves enough. If you believed in your own value and loved yourself fully, it would be no problem for you to stay connected with what you want and what you need and express them with ease and grace to your partner.

When you don’t love yourself fully, i.e. every single part of yourself,  then on a subconscious level, you believe that your partner can’t possibly love ALL of who you are. And so there are certain parts of yourself that you don’t express fully, because you are afraid of losing the relationship. That is the process of “losing yourself” in a nutshell…

So to counter that, start embracing ALL those repressed parts of you. All those feelings you kept tucked away or avoided feeling them, all those past pains you’ve avoided looking at, all those “shameful thoughts” you may have sometimes.

You are good enough and lovable exactly as you are.

NOT “after I lose 10 kilos”, NOT “after I get enlightened”, NOT “after I sort out my career”


Ok I can go on and on about this last point….To be continued 🙂

Now I would LOVE to hear from you!  leave a comment below 

and keep the discussion going: 

Do you sometimes feel like you get “lost” in relationships? 

What are some of your strategies to deal with this? 

Can’t wait to hear your wisdom and sharings. 

Here’s to staying connected to yourself AND your partner! 

With love, 


P.S. – It can be tricky sometimes to get clear on your vision and especially how to align it with your partner’s vision. If you’d like my support in this process, I’ve developed a special  “Couple Constellation and Roadmap” Assessment + 60-minute Consult process, which is on special until the 26th of April! If you want to hop on and get clear on your Subconscious Relating Patterns and Relationship Vision here’s where you can sign up for it!

Join the Discussion...